The time we lost (and found) Gianna

On our way to drama the Farmer's Market on Saturday

Saturday we went to the Farmer's Market. We got there later than we normally would because of the baby.   So by the time we arrived, it was packed with people and vendors.  We walked through quickly and decided to eat breakfast at our favorite stand.  I ordered, while Gianna stood beside me.  RWF was nearby, with Bode and Nico (in a stroller).  

We sat down in a picnic area to eat our breakfast sandwiches and we were joined by Mrs. Atkins, Bode's (future) Kindergarten teacher, and her daughter (who is Bode's age).   We ate and chatted for awhile.  Then we said goodbye to Mrs. Atkins, deciding to do one quick walk through the stalls again.  RWF joked, "You can spend your remaining 6 bucks on anything that your heart desires," because buying breakfast had taken almost all of our cash.  And I laughed.

We walked through a maze of people.  RWF had Nico in the stroller, and I had Bode by the hand. Gianna was beside Bode, skipping along. RWF stopped at a tomato stand, asking the vendor where she was from in NY.  They exchanged a few geographical references before we started to move on.  I then stopped, looked at RWF and asked, "Where is Gianna?"  I just knew that she was gone. Doom.  We looked at each other for a second before splitting. I felt drained and yet, full of adrenaline. I ran in one direction, still clutching Bode's hand.  RWF ran in the other direction, wheeling Nico through the crowd. 

I got to the end of my side of the farmer's market and spun around, scanning for a tiny 3 year old in the mass of tall shoppers, tables piled high with greens and crates.  No Gianna.  I yelled her name a couple of times. I remember one man glared at me. I looked at him, challenging him to say something. Then I ran back the other way I had come.  I remember Bode asked, breathless, "Why are we going so fast?"

I ran smack into a wall of people.  Roadblock. I was about to claw my way through. I was so scared at how much time had passed since Gianna had gone missing. My mind was racing with possibilities, each one worse than the last.  Then I saw Mrs. Atkins looking at me as she made her way through the shoppers. She very calmly told me, "I saw Gianna. She's over there (pointing through the crowd).  Bob is on his way to her."  I thanked her. And then, I started to cry.  Relief poured through me, and I wanted to sob. But I cried silently. I wasn't going to feel better until I saw her with my own eyes. And, I didn't want to scare Bode or Gianna by crying as openly and loudly as I felt like. 

We got through the crowd. RWF was standing on a sidewalk, holding Gianna in his arms.  I walked on my jelly legs, toward them.  "Is she alright?" I asked.  RWF said that she was fine.  I pulled her out of his arms and into mine. I hugged and kissed her, so thankful to have her back.

What happened? Why didn't I notice that she was gone sooner? Where did she go? Why didn't anyone help her? What was she thinking? Was she scared? These are questions that I keep asking myself. The answers will never be known. I think that she just got 'swept up' into the crowd walking away from us, in the opposite direction.  

As RWF said, "Well, that was our first."  But probably not our last incident involving a lost child.   Over the weekend, we would both ask each other questions about what had happened, offering our own opinions and observations.  RWF told me that when he spied Gianna, she was standing by herself on the sidewalk, looking up, as if scanning the adults for her own parents.  She did not look or act scared or panicked.  I wonder how long she had been standing there. How much longer before she would have cried, feeling abandoned and lost by the two people who are supposed to be watching over her.  When I picture her standing alone on the sidewalk, I like to imagine both her grandfathers  standing sentinel on either side of her, keeping her from harm.

I've had tearful moments over the past couple of days, reliving the "what ifs" and being so thankful that things worked out the way that they did, with my little girl safely with us. I have not wanted to leave her side, telling RWF at night, only half-joking, "I want to sleep with Gianna."  The idea of her being tucked into her crib only a small reassurance to my PTSD over the incident at the farmer's market. I wanted to crawl in beside her, press my nose to her warm, small back, and dream sweet dreams of being together always.

Happy Monday.
xo